So it turns out to be that you can't be bothered at all. 

Thanks for saying for the sake of saying. 

Insomnia

Couldn't sleep well last night. Dreamt of him.. So Today's Monday .... Lets see if you still remember what you said on Friday.. 

I've been thinking about it the whole night yesterday... Kept asking myself what if he doesn't remember.... So what if he really doesn't? What am I going to do? Am I going to remind him? No, I wouldn't.... 

This could mean everything or nothing at all. 

Hectic week

The week felt like a year. Started work and 24/7 a day is not enough for me at all. Wake up at 6am, and I only reach home at 8/9/10/11. 8 is considered the earliest. Nonetheless, it is all good. I feel so grownup now. It is only when you really move to the next phase in your life you would treasure all the times when you were younger and so carefree. 

Skipped boozing last night coz my body needs the entire weekend to recover from the manic week.

On Friday I woke up at 5am, and reached home at 5am plus on Saturday morning. Imagine staying out for the whole 24hours. Started boozing in the evening coz my company had a ceremony. Free flow boozing. The desserts were so delicious that I had about 8 mini gula melaka cupcakes. Hahaha. Yes, I am greedy. 

My colleague 

You

I wonder how your eyes since yearned for me... not yearning, but yearning so much.

A month ago under moonlight sheets of  your solace, I held you together felt the warmth of your skin. I never wanted to show it so I kept it hidden beneath your frozen emotions and cursed sentiments.

And now at this very moment, I feel unwanted or perhaps it felt like you longed for me long enough

To emerged brave 

To put myself out there 

Looking at the same ducts where I lived a thousand days 

Right across from another sight

Wish I could have your arms to keep me warm in the cold I feel towards dreams, reality, and everything in between. It's as if something in me longs for something I can't grasp, maybe its something I lost or something I have yet to discover...

Just do it

Impulsive and mild tempered. I wouldn’t say I’m proud of these traits that I have, but neither am I ashamed of them. I have a much Better hold of my temper now, and am still working on my impulsiveness. I like being outspoken, at least I don’t border on being blunt and crude.

Life taught me so many lessons. And I’m still learning. And for now, I just want to aim high and do the best that I can do. Determination to succeed.

Seemingly Odd

When my heart no longer speaks in an audible way it used to be able to, when emotions cease being overwhelming, when stagnancy seems possibly real....

Dear you

If I stand out in the rain
Will it wash away my tears
Will a whole hesrt still remain
When my anguish disappears
If I let it truly drench me
Will the waters then recede
And if I let my jaw unclench
Will my anger be set free
Or will the rain just fall on me

At some point in our lives we've felt like giving up on something.

Time loves playing tricks on us

Sometimes the best way to avoid giving an answer is to avoid the question all together.

There are a lot of things in my life that I can do something about, but most of the time, I just leave it.Most of the time, I care, but I don't care enough to want to change anything about it.
Like right now I am lost as fuck about my life. I care enough but I don't do anything about it and I can pretend that the problem doesnt exist. 

Is it too late, or can it still be salvaged?

Your soul only feels their absence

Quote of the day.

And then I told him something simpler and just as true; sometimes there are things we don't understand even about ourselves. Sometimes we run out of the time to keep trying to unravel them, and we have to sit back and content ourselves with a shrug. But I think there are some things that we'd never understand even if we had forever to wonder. There are things that even if we had unnumbered lifetimes to think about them - we still wouldn't know.

It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than tolose that someone you love with your useless pride.

Friday

Went to playhouse for a friend's farewell party. The drinks are dirt cheap!!! Hopped to dreams for a short while.

Was invited to fenix room's soft launch. So went over to join my clique, but 1/4 of them were rather tipsy already.. Quite like the club. Neon lited buckets of ice on their tables with tons w champagnes. 

Bumped into his friend and we talked. Hopped to butter after that..

Here comes the bitchy part...

I knew that he was at butter but I wasn't prepared to see him yet.. I screened the whole area before I walked down the stairs. Whilst walking down the stairs, I heard Jophy's voice. She was 15steps in front of me. I stood still at the steps and focused my attention on Jophy, turned to my left to see who she was talking to..... & To my surprise, I saw him......... My eyes widen, my jaw dropped, my heart stop beating, our eyes met and I rolled my eyes at him and he saw it... 

I ignored him completely, pretend that he is a stranger. Continue walking down the steps, went to get my stamp and hid at a corner to prevent myself from looking at him... I saw him, he wanted to talk to me but I didn't allow him to.. Waited for XT, Jac, Johan & Danny before we went in...... Updated Johan on what happened. Bitchy me asked him ..... to pretend to be my "guy" while walking in... Crossed and held his hand, walked in like a couple with a very happy smile..  The bitchy fickle minded me still tried to look for him inside butter but he was nowhere to be found...... Why do girls do this? I hate myself for doing this to agitate him..... What on earth is wrong with me..   

XT was drunk so Jophy and Jac sent her home first. I stayed behind coz I didn't want to go home at 2am and I continue to drink as much as I could..... I was getting emotional. I started asking myself why the fuck am I doing this? Why am I destroying everything? Not talking to him only makes me a stubborn little kid. And why? Because I don’t want to be the first to say sorry? Because my pride won’t allow it? Or because I'm afraid of getting hurt by his answers? 

Fighting and arguing is normal and it happens all the time. We’ve all fought with people we love many times in our life. We’ve all lost our temper, said hurtful words in the heat of the moment, done something to upset the other person, or been hurt by the other person, and taken a stand against someone close to us. 

I once told my ex boyfriend "Making the first step to break the silence doesn’t mean that you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value the relationship more than your ego.   Be the bigger person. Let go of the anger inside you and let go of your pride. Communicate and give that person a second chance. And remember to always love your relationships more than your ego" This ex boyf valued his ego more than anything..... But why am I not practicing what I preached to him now?

I know we all need our own space after a fight. Time to contemplate. Time to evaluate. Time to cool off. Time to think things through. But eventually, you will still have to face the person and deal with the situation. In every argument or fight, there are TWO people to blame. Yes, TWO. Not one. You think the other person owes you an apology? Guess what, so do you. All those hot temper and angry words didn’t come out of nowhere. They probably came from something that you did. Something that bothered us. And although this doesn’t justify our reaction, recognizing and admitting that you too were wrong and partly to blame, makes you the bigger person.

What if no one says sorry first? What if no one makes the first step and calls up to talk about the issue? What if days, months, and years go by and no one decides to be the bigger person?  Am I gonna let this relationship die? Because of my pride? my ego? Because I'm not mature enough to deal with issues?  Nah, because I'm scared that my apology won’t be accepted.... Sigh pie..... What have I done.....? 

So back to my story, I tried to look for him the entire night.... Bump, Fash and smoking room but he was nowhere to be found.. Guess what? I bumped into his colleague, Dave!!!! Was quite happy when I saw Dave, I thought he might still be around... However, Dave asked .....

D: Where is your boyfriend? 

Me: What boyfriend?!?

D: XXX XXX

Me: F* He's not.

Later on, Dave flashed his phone at me & said "hey, your boyfriend texted me..." I became very excited, I stood closer and looked at his phone.... Patiently waited for whatsapp to load 

R: Where are you? 

D typing "I'm at buter with Angelynn......" I snatched immediately it, only managed to delete "ynn....." & he sent the msg. I stared at Dave and said "Wah lau............. "

R: huh? 

As usual, I replied "with devil" 

R: Ok lo. Enjoy. 

So I guess, somehow or rather he knew that I was the one who replied ..

We haven't talked since that night...... Sigh. 

Wish I could turn back time.....

Everyone says "don't wait too long to apologise " 

What happens between us happens in darkness, vanishes easy and often as each breath.